Detective Chimp #1
The beautiful, blonde-haired woman pushed the dirty, old door open and slipped inside the apartment. She took a quick look around and noticed that the entire room was covered in dirt and other strange foreign subjects that she didn’t want to investigate further. Her nose scrunched up at the disgusting smell that originated from somewhere behind the desk.
Stepping over a pile of banana peels, she approached the bare desk. “Hello?” She called out, wondering if anyone actually lived here. “The door was open so I came in.”
“Yeah, yeah, grab a seat!” Someone shouted from a nearby room, which startled the gorgeous woman. She looked beside the desk, and found a small, wooden stool that looked like it would snap if anything were to touch it.
“Ah, I think I’ll stand.”
“Alright, suit yourself,” The person answered, as he walked into the room. The visitor’s eyes immediately lit up at this reveal, as the person was a…
“You’re a monkey?!” The woman screamed.
“Well, a chimpanzee, to be precise,” The short, black-furred chimp replied. He was wearing some sort of Sherlock Holmes costume, complete with deerstalker. “And what did you expect? My name’s right there on the door!”
The woman recalled what she had read on the front of the door. It had read:
“DETECTIVE CHIMP – PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR”
“Oh, I thought that was, like, your real name or something…” The woman calmed down, and scratched her face. She didn’t know what was going on.
“Of course it’s my real name!” The chimp shouted, reaching into a desk drawer. He emerged with a pipe, which completed the Sherlock Holmes persona. “First name: Detective, last name: Chimp, and that’s all you’ll get to know, doll!”
He placed the empty pipe in his mouth, and began to suck on it.
“If you don’t mind me asking, how can you talk and stuff?”
“Here’s the thing, babe: I’m the private investigator. I’m the one who asks questions. When you’re a private investigator, and I come to see you for help, then you can ask me all the questions you want, right?” Detective Chimp, for that was his name, took the pipe out of his mouth and began to pace back and forth.
“So, why are you here?”
“It’s my husband,” The woman replied, watching the little chimpanzee walk back and forward. “He’s missing.”
“Why not go to the cops then?” Detective Chimp pocketed the pipe, and stared at the beautiful woman in front of him. Definitely attractive, he thought. She was wearing black rimmed glasses, and was wearing a very tight business suit, complete with mini skirt. After a few seconds he realized she knew he was watching her, so he continued: “Why come to me?”
“Well, I think the cops had something to do with it. Y’see, my husband was a policeman himself. He was the only innocent one in the bunch.” She explained, wiping her glasses.
“Right, those cops are always pretty corrupt,” Detective Chimp agreed. He then waddled behind the desk, jumped onto a small chair, and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil. The woman noted that these were the only items of stationary visible in the entire room.
“What’s your name?” Detective Chimp asked, pencil in hand.
“Scarlet Brown,” The woman replied.
“Right, Miss Scarlet…” He wrote the name down as he repeated it, “What was your husband’s name and where was his last known location?”
“His name’s Richard, and he was out on Friday night at The Red Lion Pub…” Scarlet wiped a growing tear from her eye.
“Is there anything else I should know?”
“Well, he was with two of the other guys… policemen. I think something happened.”
“You’re probably right, miss, but let’s leave the detective work to me, okay?” Detective Chimp grinned, which was a pretty frightening sight. “Just give me your number and…”
“You pervert! I don’t date animals!” She screamed at the chimp, alarming him.
“Don’t jump to the wrong conclusions! I need your number to call you when I find out what happened!” He shouted back, and then whispered quietly enough so she couldn’t hear: “Besides, no matter how much you dig me, it’s probably illegal, like all good things…”
“I’m sorry, it’s just I’m so emotional and don’t know what to do…” She passed over the contact number and a $20 bill (stating that there’d be more later) and then left abruptly.
“Huh,” Detective Chimp mumbled. “She may be smokin’ hot, but she’s as thick as this desk. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran off and left her!”
*
Detective Chimp barged through the doors of The Red Lion pub, and marched up to the bar, ignoring the multitude of people who were staring at him. He leaped up onto a bar stool and slapped his hands on the counter.
“Give me a vodka, Bill,” Detective Chimp directed the bartender, “And then come and take a sit down, I got some questions I need to ask you.”
Bill served up the drink and then leant against the counter, facing the chimp. “What can I do ya for, monkey?” He joked.
“Chimpanzee,” Detective Chimp stated like always, and then carried on: “A cop named Richard Brown came in here on Friday, with two other cops. What do you know about them?”
“Ah, those guys! Yeah, they come in here every Friday night. There’s Richard of course, who doesn’t normally drink much. He’s always talking about getting home to his wife.” Bill explained, as Detective Chimp quickly jotted down notes.
“Right, that fits. What about the other two?”
“Well, one’s an old guy, called Sam. Drinks a lot. And the other guy, Tom, he’s just a skinny fella.”
“Alright. Do you remember anything that happened on Friday night? Anything strange or something?”
“Well, normally Sam and Tom are the ones who are drinking a lot, and Richard has only one or two… but on Friday night, it was the other way ‘round. Tom kept buying drinks for Richard and Sam kept telling me they were celebratin’.”
Detective Chimp’s face lit up. “Celebrating what?”
“I dunno,” Bill grinned. “Something about a promotion.”
“Thanks, Bill,” Detective Chimp gulped the drink down in one, and placed the glass down. He slapped the $20 bill down that the woman had given him. “That’s for last night’s drinks and all.”
“That’s good and all, but what about the night before?” Bill shouted as Detective Chimp jumped off the seat.
“Just put it on the tab!” He shouted back, as he left the noisy pub.
*
A few minutes later, Detective Chimp leaped out of the taxi he always used to travel around the city and found himself at the local police station. He entered the building and walked up the counter, where he found a depressed looking man pushing buttons on a keyboard.
“Can I help you?” The man asked in a droll tone, not even bothering to look at the new arrival.
“I’d like to talk to two officers,” Detective Chimp replied, his head not even reaching the counter.
“Right, got their names?”
“Ah, well, one’s called Tom and the other’s Sam…” Detective Chimp mumbled, hoping he’d be allowed access to them, even though he did not know their last names.
“You mean Officer Tucker and Officer James? They’re in the break room right now.”
“Uh, thanks, I guess.” Detective Chimp replied, as he snuck away from the counter and down a narrow hallway, wondering about the security of such a place.
After a few moments, he found his way to the break room, which was, obviously enough, labeled:
“BREAK ROOM”
He reached up and turned the door knob and pushed against the door. It was jammed, so he continued to push and push, and then suddenly it gave way, and he fell in, shocking the two police officers that were occupying the room (which you would be, as a chimpanzee dressed like Sherlock Holmes falling into a room on your break is a rare occurrence).
Detective Chimp immediately sprang up, and brushed his clothes. He rearranged his hat and then asked: “What do you know of the police officer Richard Brown?”
The two officers suddenly became quite nervous, and the skinnier one, Tom, began to sweat. “We know nothing! Nothing!” He suddenly stammered, and then Sam punched him in the gut.
“We don’t have to tell you anything! We’re cops, and you’re a goddamn monkey!” Sam shouted, pointing his finger at Detective Chimp.
“Well, chimpanzee actually…”
Before Detective Chimp could continue, he was picked up by the back of his shirt, dragged out of the break room and down the narrow hallway, and tossed outside the station.
“We don’t need none of your kind here!” Sam shouted, and then disappeared back inside the building.
“Huh,” Detective Chimp mumbled as he got up again and began to brush his clothes. “This case is going nowhere fast.”
A car suddenly pulled up behind the chimp, and the driver told Detective Chimp to: “Get inside! Quick!”
Detective Chimp did as he was instructed and opened the back door, and jumped in. The car took off before he had even closed the door.
“Listen, there’s not much time, it was far too risky to drive right by the station like that…” The driver began to talk fast, and Detective Chimp could barely comprehend him.
“What? Who are you?”
“I’m Richard Brown,” The driver turned around to face the chimpanzee sitting in the backseat, and smiled.
“But… I thought you were dead!”
“Not yet,” Richard replied, turning around a corner, “That’s what I want them to think. They’ve got to think I’m lying in a ditch somewhere for my plan to work.”
“And this plan is?” Detective Chimp asked, eager to finally find some answers.
“I’ve got some good information about the going on in the police department,” Richard stated, and turned the wheel again, “But I only just got it out in time. Everyone in there’s corrupt, and I’m going to take them down. There’s a reporter I’m working with… in a couple of days it’ll all be alright.”
“But your wife! She’s worried!”
“It’s okay… just tell her to go to the place where we first met… she’ll find all her answers there.” Richard stopped the car. “Now go!”
Detective Chimp jumped out of the car, slammed the door, and the car took off again. He hoped the vodka from before hadn’t affected him, and he hoped that the whole scene was real… well, there was only one way to find out.
*
Detective Chimp sat at his desk, eyeing the gorgeous woman yet again.
“And that’s all you found out? I have to go to that damn pub?!” She was obviously angry, but Detective Chimp couldn’t tell her the truth. “I could have known that much! I should have known this would be a waste of time… look at you, you’re a damn monkey!”
Detective Chimp went to correct her, but it was too late. She had already stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.
He took a bottle of whiskey out of his drawer and poured himself a glass. He gulped it down, and then resumed sucking on the end of his pipe.
He then made a mental note not to call her and ask for the rest of his payment, before he passed out from the large volume of alcohol his small, chimpanzee body could not handle.
*
