This is the end

I was in the shower when I realized that not only does life suck, but no one actually cares. Nobody reads this blog. And out of that nobody, none of them care about my life.

Originally, I wanted this blog to be quirky and fun. But it's become shit. Maybe it was always shit. I didn't intend for it to be shit though. Now it's just me rambling on about nothing. And I don't like it.

So I'm not going to update this. I won't delete it, because maybe one day someone will want to see proof that Warren Ellis called me a whore. It was my highest achievement. I may come back and update this once more, but only if I manage to Rick Roll Mark Millar when he asks for the Indy IV trailer. That would be awesome.

So I'm ending this. I plan on starting a new one, or a group blog, which may actually be meaningful. Hopefully. To anyone on UC who followed Houde's link to Wade_Wilson's blog (which seems to have a purpose) and saw my comments and then followed me back here... hello. I don't plan on posting on UC anymore. I'm sick of it. Half the people are stupid and the other half are assholes. The people I IM are the exception. Good day to you all.

Thanks for all the fish (look, a Douglas Adams quote, I am quirky!).

Insert title here

I am bored. Where is everyone these days? Half of my contacts don't even sign in now. I should delete you all from my list. And existence.

Today, I bought The Office Season 2. This is the US series. Yes, I know the UK version is better, but I enjoy both. So go fucking die.

I haven't done much else today. Right now, I'm sucking on a popsicle stick and it's making me feel sick. But I have no where to put it so I just leave it in my mouth. Yeah. Fun times to be had by all.

It's so hot at night now. I can't get to sleep. So I just stay up, reading IT by Stephen King. It's pretty good, but it drags on for a while. When I finish it in the next day or two, I shall finally start 1984, which I've been waiting for a couple of years to obtain. Hopefully it'll live up to my expectations that Parker Johnston (google him, he's a damn celebrity now and apparently an expert on dream analysis) has given me.

Prison Break is intense. I am excited for the new episodes but sad because there's only a few left. I'm also excited for Lost Season 4, beginning shortly... but it'll probably suck as there's only 8 episodes and we'll have to wait a year for the rest of the season. Stupid strike.

My chest is itchy now. Does anyone read this? Stupid flies everywhere. I could just ramble on about nothing forever and no one would notice.

I hate school.

Move along

There was something here, but Al Gore had it removed. Fucking Al Gore.

Holy shit, I'm still alive

I haven't posted in a while. I don't think I could be bothered.

A lot of time has passed. I still don't have much to write about. Or much to do.

I should write in Arabic. All the time. It would be awesome.

Are you happy, Max, if that is your real name? Pedophiles are us.

Detective Chimp

Detective Chimp #1

The beautiful, blonde-haired woman pushed the dirty, old door open and slipped inside the apartment. She took a quick look around and noticed that the entire room was covered in dirt and other strange foreign subjects that she didn’t want to investigate further. Her nose scrunched up at the disgusting smell that originated from somewhere behind the desk.

Stepping over a pile of banana peels, she approached the bare desk. “Hello?” She called out, wondering if anyone actually lived here. “The door was open so I came in.”

“Yeah, yeah, grab a seat!” Someone shouted from a nearby room, which startled the gorgeous woman. She looked beside the desk, and found a small, wooden stool that looked like it would snap if anything were to touch it.

“Ah, I think I’ll stand.”

“Alright, suit yourself,” The person answered, as he walked into the room. The visitor’s eyes immediately lit up at this reveal, as the person was a…

“You’re a monkey?!” The woman screamed.

“Well, a chimpanzee, to be precise,” The short, black-furred chimp replied. He was wearing some sort of Sherlock Holmes costume, complete with deerstalker. “And what did you expect? My name’s right there on the door!”

The woman recalled what she had read on the front of the door. It had read:

“DETECTIVE CHIMP – PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR”

“Oh, I thought that was, like, your real name or something…” The woman calmed down, and scratched her face. She didn’t know what was going on.

“Of course it’s my real name!” The chimp shouted, reaching into a desk drawer. He emerged with a pipe, which completed the Sherlock Holmes persona. “First name: Detective, last name: Chimp, and that’s all you’ll get to know, doll!”

He placed the empty pipe in his mouth, and began to suck on it.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how can you talk and stuff?”

“Here’s the thing, babe: I’m the private investigator. I’m the one who asks questions. When you’re a private investigator, and I come to see you for help, then you can ask me all the questions you want, right?” Detective Chimp, for that was his name, took the pipe out of his mouth and began to pace back and forth.

“So, why are you here?”

“It’s my husband,” The woman replied, watching the little chimpanzee walk back and forward. “He’s missing.”

“Why not go to the cops then?” Detective Chimp pocketed the pipe, and stared at the beautiful woman in front of him. Definitely attractive, he thought. She was wearing black rimmed glasses, and was wearing a very tight business suit, complete with mini skirt. After a few seconds he realized she knew he was watching her, so he continued: “Why come to me?”

“Well, I think the cops had something to do with it. Y’see, my husband was a policeman himself. He was the only innocent one in the bunch.” She explained, wiping her glasses.

“Right, those cops are always pretty corrupt,” Detective Chimp agreed. He then waddled behind the desk, jumped onto a small chair, and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil. The woman noted that these were the only items of stationary visible in the entire room.

“What’s your name?” Detective Chimp asked, pencil in hand.

“Scarlet Brown,” The woman replied.

“Right, Miss Scarlet…” He wrote the name down as he repeated it, “What was your husband’s name and where was his last known location?”

“His name’s Richard, and he was out on Friday night at The Red Lion Pub…” Scarlet wiped a growing tear from her eye.

“Is there anything else I should know?”

“Well, he was with two of the other guys… policemen. I think something happened.”

“You’re probably right, miss, but let’s leave the detective work to me, okay?” Detective Chimp grinned, which was a pretty frightening sight. “Just give me your number and…”

“You pervert! I don’t date animals!” She screamed at the chimp, alarming him.

“Don’t jump to the wrong conclusions! I need your number to call you when I find out what happened!” He shouted back, and then whispered quietly enough so she couldn’t hear: “Besides, no matter how much you dig me, it’s probably illegal, like all good things…”

“I’m sorry, it’s just I’m so emotional and don’t know what to do…” She passed over the contact number and a $20 bill (stating that there’d be more later) and then left abruptly.

“Huh,” Detective Chimp mumbled. “She may be smokin’ hot, but she’s as thick as this desk. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran off and left her!”

*

Detective Chimp barged through the doors of The Red Lion pub, and marched up to the bar, ignoring the multitude of people who were staring at him. He leaped up onto a bar stool and slapped his hands on the counter.

“Give me a vodka, Bill,” Detective Chimp directed the bartender, “And then come and take a sit down, I got some questions I need to ask you.”

Bill served up the drink and then leant against the counter, facing the chimp. “What can I do ya for, monkey?” He joked.

“Chimpanzee,” Detective Chimp stated like always, and then carried on: “A cop named Richard Brown came in here on Friday, with two other cops. What do you know about them?”

“Ah, those guys! Yeah, they come in here every Friday night. There’s Richard of course, who doesn’t normally drink much. He’s always talking about getting home to his wife.” Bill explained, as Detective Chimp quickly jotted down notes.

“Right, that fits. What about the other two?”

“Well, one’s an old guy, called Sam. Drinks a lot. And the other guy, Tom, he’s just a skinny fella.”

“Alright. Do you remember anything that happened on Friday night? Anything strange or something?”

“Well, normally Sam and Tom are the ones who are drinking a lot, and Richard has only one or two… but on Friday night, it was the other way ‘round. Tom kept buying drinks for Richard and Sam kept telling me they were celebratin’.”

Detective Chimp’s face lit up. “Celebrating what?”

“I dunno,” Bill grinned. “Something about a promotion.”

“Thanks, Bill,” Detective Chimp gulped the drink down in one, and placed the glass down. He slapped the $20 bill down that the woman had given him. “That’s for last night’s drinks and all.”

“That’s good and all, but what about the night before?” Bill shouted as Detective Chimp jumped off the seat.

“Just put it on the tab!” He shouted back, as he left the noisy pub.

*

A few minutes later, Detective Chimp leaped out of the taxi he always used to travel around the city and found himself at the local police station. He entered the building and walked up the counter, where he found a depressed looking man pushing buttons on a keyboard.

“Can I help you?” The man asked in a droll tone, not even bothering to look at the new arrival.

“I’d like to talk to two officers,” Detective Chimp replied, his head not even reaching the counter.

“Right, got their names?”

“Ah, well, one’s called Tom and the other’s Sam…” Detective Chimp mumbled, hoping he’d be allowed access to them, even though he did not know their last names.

“You mean Officer Tucker and Officer James? They’re in the break room right now.”

“Uh, thanks, I guess.” Detective Chimp replied, as he snuck away from the counter and down a narrow hallway, wondering about the security of such a place.

After a few moments, he found his way to the break room, which was, obviously enough, labeled:

“BREAK ROOM”

He reached up and turned the door knob and pushed against the door. It was jammed, so he continued to push and push, and then suddenly it gave way, and he fell in, shocking the two police officers that were occupying the room (which you would be, as a chimpanzee dressed like Sherlock Holmes falling into a room on your break is a rare occurrence).

Detective Chimp immediately sprang up, and brushed his clothes. He rearranged his hat and then asked: “What do you know of the police officer Richard Brown?”

The two officers suddenly became quite nervous, and the skinnier one, Tom, began to sweat. “We know nothing! Nothing!” He suddenly stammered, and then Sam punched him in the gut.

“We don’t have to tell you anything! We’re cops, and you’re a goddamn monkey!” Sam shouted, pointing his finger at Detective Chimp.

“Well, chimpanzee actually…”

Before Detective Chimp could continue, he was picked up by the back of his shirt, dragged out of the break room and down the narrow hallway, and tossed outside the station.

“We don’t need none of your kind here!” Sam shouted, and then disappeared back inside the building.

“Huh,” Detective Chimp mumbled as he got up again and began to brush his clothes. “This case is going nowhere fast.”

A car suddenly pulled up behind the chimp, and the driver told Detective Chimp to: “Get inside! Quick!”

Detective Chimp did as he was instructed and opened the back door, and jumped in. The car took off before he had even closed the door.

“Listen, there’s not much time, it was far too risky to drive right by the station like that…” The driver began to talk fast, and Detective Chimp could barely comprehend him.

“What? Who are you?”

“I’m Richard Brown,” The driver turned around to face the chimpanzee sitting in the backseat, and smiled.

“But… I thought you were dead!”

“Not yet,” Richard replied, turning around a corner, “That’s what I want them to think. They’ve got to think I’m lying in a ditch somewhere for my plan to work.”

“And this plan is?” Detective Chimp asked, eager to finally find some answers.

“I’ve got some good information about the going on in the police department,” Richard stated, and turned the wheel again, “But I only just got it out in time. Everyone in there’s corrupt, and I’m going to take them down. There’s a reporter I’m working with… in a couple of days it’ll all be alright.”

“But your wife! She’s worried!”

“It’s okay… just tell her to go to the place where we first met… she’ll find all her answers there.” Richard stopped the car. “Now go!”

Detective Chimp jumped out of the car, slammed the door, and the car took off again. He hoped the vodka from before hadn’t affected him, and he hoped that the whole scene was real… well, there was only one way to find out.

*

Detective Chimp sat at his desk, eyeing the gorgeous woman yet again.

“And that’s all you found out? I have to go to that damn pub?!” She was obviously angry, but Detective Chimp couldn’t tell her the truth. “I could have known that much! I should have known this would be a waste of time… look at you, you’re a damn monkey!”

Detective Chimp went to correct her, but it was too late. She had already stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

He took a bottle of whiskey out of his drawer and poured himself a glass. He gulped it down, and then resumed sucking on the end of his pipe.

He then made a mental note not to call her and ask for the rest of his payment, before he passed out from the large volume of alcohol his small, chimpanzee body could not handle.

*

End.

Detective Chimp

I've been reading 52 and I have decided to write a Detective Chimp series. He's an alcoholic chimpanzee that's a private investigator... what's not to love?

Here's a poster I created:

And here's a little banner I made:

And once my first chapter has been edited, I'll make a new post.

Photographs

Yes, photographs of two things. The first being my Watchmen painting I have been working on during the weekend, minus the blood stain because I think it looks tacky and out of place.

I still need to fix the eyes, the mouth, and the general roundness of the face though. Next up is my entire current graphic novel collection:

Pointlessness runs in the family.

I've also almost finished Promethea Book 4. It's great, but I have no idea what is happening. It feels like it's Alan Moore's way of saying: "I'm a genius, a magician, and I'm smarter than you are!" But it's still great. I enjoy it a lot, and J.H. Williams III is an excellent artist.

Once I finish Promethea, I will have to finish reading The Dark Knight Returns, Catch Me If You Can, and start Swamp Thing Vol. 3: The Curse. Then I can start Bone, hopefully.